Porcelain Hearts

Deep down I think we all want to believe in love. ♥ ♥

Yep, the person next to you on your morning commute that you barely notice because you're already frustrated with traffic flow or if you're like me you're singing along loudly to your latest addition to your i-tunes. The person next to you wants to believe in love. Your co-worker who endlessly complains, your boss, your friends, the homeless man on the corner holding a grungy coffee cup Starbucks discarded ages ago...the one common thread is love and the desire to hope and believe in it because it gives us something to cling to that makes us all the same and makes us all human.

The housewife who feigns love because her idea of love has been polluted since she went her teenage years...the teenager who can't say "I love you" to her parents but can text a thousand "i <3 you's" to her friends a gazillion times a day...The husband who claims to love yet "forgets" his wedding band every morning when he leaves the house...

What's happened to us? We want to believe in it, we want the media to puke love to us in the form of romantic comedies & valentines and the saturation of our social lives to serial date. We want to believe in the "idea" of love, but we don't want to truly love, expose our souls in such a way that others would see us for who we really are, we don't want to act on our feelings, we want love to remain a "feeling" and not an action.

I was thinking of this when I talked with a co-worker over lunch today and she told me how she met her husband and how she fell in love and she just knew he was the one...her face lit up when she was speaking of her husband like fireworks on the Fourth of July. She told me they have almost been married 3 years now and she sounds like she's fresh off her honeymoon. It is LOVE. Good old fashioned L-O-V-E. It brought tears to my eyes and renewed my spirit to believe that one day I will experience that kind of love. I didn't realize how jaded I had become to love until speaking with her today. I have built up these castle walls so high and put all kinds of crocodiles in the moat surrounding the castle that no prince dare pass this way...

For at the end of the day, I know love isn't a feeling. Love is HARD WORK. Feelings are feeling, love takes give and take, it takes commitment. It's washing his laundry every week just because this is a form of love...it's sacrifice, it's a kind word when you just want to scream in anger...love is beautiful.

Love means that one day I won't have to wake up with my arm wrapped around a pillow because a man will have his arm around me. It means that when I turn my key in the lock I won't have to come into a dark and empty apartment and figure out what's next on the agenda for my night. It means I will have someone kiss me goodnight and good morning and not have to worry if he's gonna call me the next day. I will have someone who makes me laugh til it hurts and someone to dance in my bare feet with on the kitchen floor. Someone to have babies with and with tears streaming down my face welcome a new life into the world with him by my side and I can't stop crying because I can't quite believe it finally happened to me. That little life will be part of he and I and that is love in the form of a sweet bundle of joy. I'll have him feel every kick of that baby and hope he always looks suprised and happy, even if he doesn't feel a thing. ;-)

That's the kind of love I hope to "fall into." I don't need a movie to tell me how it should look, and I don't need to rush it. If I have to wait forever plus another day, I will do it because when he gets here and I see that 4th of July sparkle in his eye when he looks at me, I'll know. I'll know that his hand is the hand I am forever meant to hold. His arms the arms that will cradle me like he's afraid to let me go...his kiss the only kiss I will ever want until my dying day. I will kiss that man every single day in order that I memorize his lips so that if he should die before me, I will never forget.

Love, I can't wait for you to get here. As I type this I look down at my lonely ring finger and my eyes brim with happy tears in the anticipation of you. Not yet, but someday. Some sweet day. You have my heart already...your lady is waiting.

Love,
Me
♥